3.10.2011

Introducing...

Finally, the post you’ve all been waiting for.

Not that one. It sounds like we still have 4-6 weeks left of waiting.

We have been approved by the Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MoWA) in Ethiopia as the parents of our boys. We appeared in court. They appeared in court. More documents were gathered and submitted. We heard news of another postponement because of the looming government shutdown. And, another delay because MoWA is trying to change regulations, which would result in an approximate 90% reduction in the number of adoptions processed per day. These regulations were supposed to go into effect today, March 10, 2011.

By the way, our letter was supposed to be processed March 11, remember?

I received a call this morning informing us that our case was processed a day early and MoWA has given its letter of approval.

What does this mean?

Tada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Gorgeous Boys!

This is actually one of the first pictures we received, the day of our referral.

I’m going to sit back and breathe a sigh of relief for a few moments and just post some fabulous photos. Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking up to Big Brother.

Garrison Edward

Ivan Patrick

First Family Photo

Only Avery and Simon missing now.

3.06.2011

The 411 on Ethiopia…Who Needs Google?

As I encounter friends and acquaintances, I keep hearing the same questions: How was Ethiopia? What were the boys like? What’s next? Does anyone know where they can get that info? You guessed it…this here blog! I’m pretty sure I detailed all 6 days. Oh, you don’t like to read? Well, I don’t like telling the same stories again and again and again and again. I know a lot of people. And, they are all curious. I only enjoy retelling stories in which I am nearly killed (or being ignored while in the midst of it).

Oh, you read the blog and still have questions? I have the answers. Anything more you want to know about Ethiopia can be found in this post. Wow! Right? You are welcome. Now, don’t go checking my facts on Google. I was there. Let me tell my biased story. And, by continuing to read this post, you are agreeing not to comment, email or tell me of any inaccuracies. Agreed? Oh, and feel free to skip to just the questions you want answers to.

What was the plane ride like?
Never ending. Going there was 7 hours on one and 14 on another, with a 4-hour layover. Great movies, not-so-great food, really cute uniforms for the flight attendants. Oh, and they gave us a tiny bag with an eye mask, toothbrush/paste, and socks. How sweet. Coming back? Our flight was canceled, so we were rerouted after a 4-hour stay in the business class lounge. Flight time was something insane like 17 on one and 12 on another. Not as nice on the way back, but that could have more to do with the fact that Keith started throwing up before we even took off. He wasn’t so careful with the free (yet still Ethiopian) lounge food and drinks.

What was the airport like in Ethiopia?
Scary. Small. Not so thorough. In general, a madhouse. Plus, a strange woman kept asking me if I needed help locating and collecting my bags. I continued to assure her that my very strong husband, who was lost in the mass of people and bags, would indeed take care of it. And, before the return flight, there was a power outage at 10:00 at night. We sat in the dark for several minutes because apparently there was no back-up generator for issues like this. Again, scary.

Where did we stay? What is a guest house?
Our choice was between a hotel and a guest house (Ethiopian Guest House), which is really a bed and breakfast. Keith was going to get a hotel because his biggest fear of the entire trip is that I would offend someone who offered me food. But on trip #2, we have to stay in a guest house if we want the boys with us while in the country. Ours was awesome. For Ethiopia. Our room had a bed and 2 night stands. Plus, Keith sprang for our own bathroom. All I could imagine at the thought of guest house is the part in the European Vacation movie where people keep walking in on each other in the common bathroom. Yikes. After surveying the rest of the people we met and traveled to and fro with, I’ve concluded that we had the best guest house Ethiopia has to offer. And, we will go to this exact place next time. We loved their staff. And, the cook didn’t mix all the food together, as the cook did in another guest house. My food is not allowed to touch.

What else can you tell me about the boys?
Well, they’re great. It’s hard to make an accurate observance in the few hours we spent with them. Things will change, some for the better and some for the worse, once they get home. Both are super sweet even though they seem to be total opposites. A few things I didn’t mention before: Ivan turned into a spaghetti noodle when anyone picked him up. Typical. But I’m not sure I’ll get to sit down when he’s around. He seemed to enjoy taking other kids’ toys and either running with them or throwing them more than he enjoyed actually playing with toys. Garrison knows some English. Counting, animals, colors. He initiated playing with and naming items on flash cards…I assume because it’s the only way he could communicate with us. One day while sitting on the rug, he gently took a chunk of my hair and braided it. He may be helping Avery get ready while I chase down and wrestle Ivan into his clothes.

What about their background?
We know as much as there is to know. And honestly, we’ve told as much as we’d like to tell. Our original plan was to share their information once they are here and no longer Ethiopian citizens. However, we’ve decided to wait and let the boys themselves share any information as they wish to. Knowing their background, whether good or bad, could influence your perception of them. That can’t be undone. I wouldn’t want to be in the position in which everyone knows all about me, before even I do, and without my consent. We hope you understand.

What was the country like?
We spent most of our time in areas surrounding the capital Addis Ababa with one trip to court (minus the airport). The majority of people were on the lower end of the income spectrum, with a smaller number of people living or working in the city on the other end. Outside the city there are entire towns of mud houses with either straw or metal roofs. Everything was hidden behind gates, most of which had guards. Our guest house, the orphanage, any space not taken up by a little shop. All behind a gate, concrete or metal wall. Oh, and very dry. My hair loved it!

What language do they speak?
The national language is Amharic (which written down looks very intimidating and a lot like Chinese), but each region has its own language or dialect (again, like China). Plus, any educated person has had English. Not like here where we take the required 2 years of a foreign language and barely know how to say hello, which is actually thanks to Dora. They take it for years, starting very young. Basically, if you want a good job, you learn enough English to be conversational. Our kids first learned their regional language, some Amharic and even less English. But, the language barrier is way down on my list of concerns.

Wait, you just said everyone learns English in school, right? So, they all speak some English?
Not so fast. I said in a previous blog that not all kids go to school, for various reasons. See “A View From Ethiopia.” Many of them are spent by the time they get home from fetching water miles away. So walking more miles to school? Not so important.

Were you ever scared? What’s the crime rate?
With the exception of thinking our first driver had stepped out of the movie Taken, we felt pretty safe. We had been told the only thing we have to worry about is pick-pocketing when in public, plus the general being swindled at the airport or when shopping.

What’s the weather like?
Although Ethiopia is basically on the equator, it’s also something like 8,500 feet. I will admit a slight inaccuracy as Keith looked it up last time. So, the weather is a perfect sunny and 75-80 during the day. A bit chilly early in the morning or at night, like 60. Oh, someone mentioned their rainy season. Maybe June to September or June and September? I heard one thing and Keith claims he heard the other. But, either way, sounds like a monsoon. Rains and pours on and off all day.

What are the people like?
Awesome. Everyone was super nice to us. Almost everyone. The day I had my near death experience and shortly before my insides were ripped out of me, I was sitting outside a little shop and a homeless man invaded my personal space. Rudenesss. Keith came to stand behind me protectively, but the guy just didn’t take the hint. So, a guard (a small girl in a not-so-professional looking brown uniform) threatened him with a big stick. That worked.

On the subject of guards, I'm guessing the qualifications for the position are 1) a stick and 2) the, um…guts…to use the stick. In the case of a bank, you’ll need a stick and a very long shotgun, plus a good attitude to pace back and forth just outside the front doors all the livelong day.

Back to the people. Seriously, they were great. I felt strangely at home there. Keith even ventured out by himself one day while I took a nap. Walked down the street and bought a locally brewed beer for 45 cents. How great is that? The only thing we found a bit peculiar was the way people showed affection. We rarely saw men and women (whether married or dating) holding hands. Or even walking together for that matter. Generally, it was groups of males together and groups of females. Usually several were holding hands, with fingers laced together and all. No way a guy here would lace his fingers with his buddy to walk down the street. Sometimes just the pinkies linked together. Arms hooked, the way middle school girls walk together. Or the arm around the shoulder, which always makes walking awkward.

Did anyone try this on us?
Unless you count the homeless man, no. But they are big into hand shakes, shoulder bumps and hugs. We welcomed lots of those. When a new Ethiopian entered, he’d walk around the room of sometimes 15 people and shake every hand. Even if it was someone you had met, if he is polite, he still greets each person individually. A general hello and wave to the small crowd just isn’t good enough.

What do they wear? These questions will start to get boring now because I’m stretching to think of anything you might want to know.
Well, there’s the blazing sun, so you’d think people would be dressed for something close to summertime. Nope. While I donned tank tops and short sleeves, they were covered literally from neck to toe. Sometimes even head to toe. And, it seems layering is popular as well. So, full body covering plus shirts hanging out underneath and jackets on top. I’m wondering if the boys are absolutely going to freeze here.

Are the boys excited about Simon?
Who wouldn’t be, right? He’s adorable, has a great personality and, in general, is just the best dog. Ever! However, they showed no interest in the pictures of him, even after the interpreter attempted to convey how much fun he would be. We later heard that Ethiopians don’t hold dogs in the same regard as we do. So, it may seem strange to them for Simon to join us in their everyday routine. From the wake-up call in the morning to stories at bedtime, he’s right there. And, usually sprawled across us. I hope they grow to love him as we do.

When do you get to bring them home? What’s next?
Well, we were told all necessary documents should be in place by March 11, and that we would then be in line for an embassy appointment in late April. I’ll brag about that news here as soon as it arrives. No clue if that will be the actual timeline though. It seems when we do get that THE CALL, meaning the boys are cleared for travel, we will basically leave ASAP.

Why does it cost so much?
There’s the obvious. Airfare, even with two trips, is a small chunk of the grand total. Someone, or many people, are doing all of this work while we stay in the comfort of the states. They don’t work for free. Each and every document that is completed has some fee attached to it. A legit person, a.k.a. a social worker, has to give you her stamp of approval. And, it’s a pricey stamp. Even all that combined isn’t very much. The last chunk, whether to our agency or the children’s country, supports orphans in that country. Some of these kids will eventually get a family, and some won’t. So, for however long they’re in that system (orphanage or foster care), someone’s gotta foot the bill.

Couldn’t that money be used for a better cause? Or at least stay in our own country?
Um, not according to the Bible. God has given us all of us the task of caring for orphans and widows. Even calls it “true religion.” This money will not only bring our boys here, it will also be used for the care of countless other orphans.

Why has it taken so long?
As of this month, we’ve been working on it for 26 months. All I can say is that we’re dealing with the government. Theirs and ours. In the end, we will add 2 boys to our family. Plus, hopefully we have also been a catalyst in our community, an advocate of adoption, and an example of the Gospel. If you look at it that way, 26 months seems quite efficient.

What can we pray for?
The major concern at the moment is the looming government shut-down, which has been postponed until March 18. If it does occur, ALL international adoptions will be put on hold. We want to bring our boys home. As soon as possible.

2.22.2011

Man Eater

I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but lately I have had this insatiable appetite for my family. I just can’t get enough of them. To the point that I literally want to eat them up. Well, maybe not literally. I am a stickler for rules, and I’m pretty certain there’s some antiquated law out there that prohibits cannibalism.

But I still want to eat ‘em. And, oh, how tasty they would be. All of them. Keith. Avery. Simon. Yep, even him. I tell Avery a dozen times a day that I wanna eat her up. Of course she giggles and begs me not to, so I refrain. Sometimes she starts the begging before my threats begin so I will lovingly chew on her squishy (and delicious) arm.

I was thinking this hunger could have grown from NOT SEEING MY DAUGHTER FOR 11 DAYS. I mean she’s still telling me how much she missed me while we were gone, and we’ve been home for 2 weeks now! But that theory doesn’t pan out when you consider the relentless craving I have for Keith and Simon. I tell those two how yummy they are as well.

I’ve always loved my family, but for some reason I just don’t want them out of my sight…or my arms. I hate it when Keith leaves for work, when I put Avery down for bed, and when Simon retires to bed earlier than me. My physical and mental well being hinge on how much of them I can consume when they’re near.

It may be strange to you non-dog people that I rock my dog, kiss his snout, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, and love to inhale his scent…which has always resembled syrup. If he's not at my side, I coerce him. My affection for him waned with the birth of my daughter, until a few weeks ago. It’s back stronger than ever.

Have you seen anything more adorable?

I want to take naps with Avery, not for the sleep but just to hold and watch her. I’ve never been like that…one of those moms who lies in the bed as kids fall asleep. Lately I have to pull myself away from her bedside when I stop in for one last check before going to bed.

Not sure how I produced such a goofball, but I love it!

And, my husband. I’ll spare you the details of how I want to devour him. Okay, just one. A friend of mine says she wishes she could glue herself to her husband. Be with him all the time. I’ve never wanted that! How bizarre! This girl needs some quality ME time. But now, I wish I were a leach so I could just attach myself to Keith.

A man who will get a manicure. The best!

If I can’t have an arm, I will at least need some lips, a nose and an ear. Still no? One morsel is all I’m asking for!

Does anyone else find their loved ones as mouth-watering as I do mine?

The boys? Oh, I might even gobble them up before we bring them home. I’ve saved our latest adoption news for the end. While we completed our side in the Ethiopian court…said that we understand becoming parents of the boys is irrevocable and we agree to it, someone else has to permanently give up rights to the boys. It had already happened at other levels, same as us, but had to be done in person in front of a judge at the capitol. We were informed yesterday that this has happened. Yay!

Why didn’t I post this yesterday? I received the information about 10 P.M. last night. Delivered via email from my dear husband, even though we had been together all evening. Umm, communication.

Still can’t post pics yet. Sorry. We’re waiting on a letter to be received by the Ethiopian Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MOWA). They’re supposed to have it by March 11. Until then, you’ll just have to settle for pictures of the 4 of us.

2.14.2011

Try as she might to fall in deep…

Although we returned on Tuesday, jetlag hit me on Friday around 4 P.M. I’m still on whatever time zone Ethiopia is in, which is why I’m waking up way too early in the morning for any kind of real productivity. However, my mind won’t shut off even though I’m too tired to move my body. This might contribute to the fact that I am a teensy weensy eensy bit OCD.

A couple of my dear girlfriends threw me a super fun shower Saturday, you know, so the boys won’t be stuck wearing princess PJs and glitter shoes. As usual when I’m getting ready for anything more than a normal day, my wardrobe presents a conundrum. My closet is full, but I can’t piece together anything acceptable. I reached for the cutest top I own and that I haven’t worn for too many other events or photo opportunities. The problem was that this top only worked with a pair of jeans, but I don’t think jeans are very showery. So, I hoped some heels and fancy earrings would help pull it together.

Brooke and Amybeth (the hostesses with the mostesses) and Me

When Keith came upstairs, I asked for his valued opinion. His response, “You look fine.” Now, those of you reading this already see the problem, don’t you.

“Fine or good?” I prodded. He said, “You look good.” Oh, you know it doesn’t end there.

My words to Keith are now to all men. (Do men read this blog?) And they apply regarding your observance of any female.

If I look good, the least you can say is “good.” A better choice is “great,” “amazing” or “fantastic.” If I look fine, you might as well say I should go change. “Fine” basically means I’ve met the bare requirements of the lowest standard. No girl wants to look that wretched!

This need for affirmation from my husband reminded me of the two most recent books I finished: Dobson’s Bringing Up Boys and Bringing Up Girls. Hope I didn’t miss the boat on that last one, as Avery is already 4. But, according to the book, it seems like Keith is one who could have missed it. Of course, he hasn’t. He’s the best. However, these books have made me think HE should be the one staying home with our children. He definitely has the most influence. Definitely is the authority God has placed over the 4 of us. Definitely is the most valued opinion. Do I need to go on? Instead of stressing the value of a mother’s role in the life of her children, it is the father who he mentions most frequently. How his presence, words, actions, etc. are paramount in the lives of these precious little ones…and bigger ones too.

The books expressed the same need for children…affirmation and approval from Daddy. So, it’s not just me who is so needy. My kids are too.

Men, I hope you are prepared for the daunting task before you.

Oh, and if you are the parent of either gender, my advice to you is to get a copy of that respective book.

2.09.2011

A View From Ethiopia...Finally, Some Pictures!!!

Finally able to post pics from Ethiopia. Keith crashed the laptop on day 2, so posting even what I did was a challenge.

Coming out of the airport with 4 tubs...18 gallons each...of donations for the orphanage. A big thanks to The Campus and Four Corners Church for helping us with them!

This is just a little shop in a string of shops on the road back from the airport.

Just another little shop along the road. Kinda made me sad.

Ethiopian scaffolding: eucalyptus trees. Stacked and held together with nails. Wanna be the worker to climb that?

A school in town. Not sure if it was independent or run by the government. We heard that most kids had to pay to go to school. And even then, they often lived too far away to walk there. Makes me appreciate my own education. Free.

When I said on Day 1 that I thought our driver was taking us to be killed on the way home from the airport, I was serious. I snapped one last shot as we turned down a gravel alley way. All I saw ahead of us was a giant pile of rocks. Great for hiding dead bodies under. Not sure why I took the picture. I was thinking if I somehow escaped, or someone at least found my camera, it would be evidence to lead them to my killer. I really should have taken a picture of my almost-killer. Needless to say, I was terrified.

The view from our balcony. Surprised we have a balcony from our stay in Ethiopia? So was I. When questioned about his method of selecting a place to stay, Keith said he just picked the most expensive place. Assuming my "needs" would be unmet elsewhere. Wait. I have needs? What needs? I'm not high maintenance.

However, this is the backyard to our left...

And this was the view to our right. Plus, they had a dog that only barked at night. Incessantly. Sweet.

Starbucks, Anyone?

Random animals on the side of the highway. The ones marked with an X have been examined by the government. So, what's stopping an animal owner from just buying a can of spray paint to approve his own animals?

Blue and white vehicles: public transportation. Pictured above, a van.

Ethiopian entertainment? Camel racing. Keith loved it!

A site of construction. More eucalyptus trees. What else should you use?

The orphanage, a view from the street. It really was a great place. Glad to have the boys there if they can't come home yet.

The first lady who performed the coffee ceremony for us. And Keith graciously accepting a cup.

The kids are "trained" to take their shoes off before entering any room where they will be sitting...classroom, bedroom, playroom. This is just outside the "Learning Room" as the sign on the door reads and also serves as their lunchroom.

Typical lunch at the orphanage. Yumm.

A poster in their classroom. I think it has Amharic and English. So, I don't have start at square 1 teaching them English. They've covered some of the basics for me. Thanks!

The fresh water tank outside. They used large cans to haul water inside. But not everyone had these tanks. Many people walked miles with yellow 3-gallon jugs...even little kids...to fetch some water. You'll see in a pic further down.

The boys' room. Probably 12 kids to a room. No clue how the nannies get them to sleep at the same time. I need to learn some tricks from them.

The site of our first meeting. The living room of the orphanage. They just celebrated Christmas. In January for Ethiopia.

The other side of the living room. The play area for the four of us. But no toys.

The front of the Tikuret Orphanage. That's the actual name. Nice place. But...

This is a glance down the street from the it.

A volcano. You probably could guess that. I was a little surprised to see it. Luckily it is dormant.

And this is where we spent a bright shiny Saturday. Those little sprigs are the trees Keith planted. And, that top right-hand window is the room where I slaved away. Acacia Village. The foster home run by our agency. It serves as a home for many kids between their court date and embassy appointment to travel home.

One of those yellow 3-gallon jugs used for carrying water home. We saw lots of little kids toting the water. Always alone.

A village of mud houses. We saw many of these.

The amazing Ethiopian church. We politely waited until after the service to snap away. The choir gathered on stage when we were dismissed.

The people in line on the right are waiting to purchase sermon or worship CDs. We joined them.

A random donkey. I swear Keith took this picture. But he is cute. I kinda wanna bring him home as my pet. Simon would be jealous. Maybe no.

A butcher shop. All you need is a slab o' beef, a knife and a place to hang the slab.

The food at the fancy restaurant. This is what the girl next to me ordered. Do you understand why I chose not to eat?

And, here is Keith's plate. Once the waitress stopped laughing at my reaction to what she brought out, she poured it into the same mix. You can see my boiled egg in the middle. And, I think the chicken leg is somewhere on the right, unless someone snagged it up. Wouldn't want that to go to waste.

Some of the entertainment from the evening. Guys and gals paraded on and off the stage in an assortment of matching costumes. This one was accompanied by the women wearing bee-keeper outfits. And, Keith's favorite were the shorts and midriff tops with fringe and beads.

Keith and Tikabe, the night-time receptionist at our guest house and Keith's best friend for the week. How long can a guy last in a room with no TV? Apparently, not long.

The station for the coffee ceremony, which was performed for us on the final day, a tradition there. The huge bowl of popcorn? Made just for me.

In the middle is Bisrat, the interpreter sent from God. The little blond is Eve, who is adopting a precious little girl. And on the end is Marty, her friend traveling with her in lieu of Eve's husband. These were the crazy gals next door that we spent the week with. I never imagined how much fun I could have in Ethiopia.

I cannot wait to go back. I will not be coming home alone.

2.07.2011

Ethiopia: Day 6...The Big Day

Our court appointment today was first changed from 3 P.M. to 11 A.M. Then again to 9 A.M. Like I said, the concept of time is futile here. However, it turns out to be a good thing because we were ushered to the front of the line while about a hundred people gave us the Evil Eye. In groups of 3 couples each, we appeared before the judge in a small room as she asked us a list of questions and glanced at our passports.

The entire process took all of 90 seconds. A bit anticlimactic, as will be this post.

As far as we know, we have been approved on our end as the official parents of our children. But, things still aren’t wrapped up here, and we will likely be waiting even longer than expected for an embassy date and to bring them home. I want to use profanity over this news, but I am choosing to exercise self control. Okay. You know I can’t bring myself to use profanity.

After court, we all made a mad dash to see the kiddos at our respective orphanages or foster homes. The boys were in the yard playing with all their friends when we arrived, and they both immediately ran to Keith. They must not have seen me, right? So sweet seeing our sons love on their daddy.

They wanted to take us inside to play, even after we insisted that we all play outside with their friends. Same story, different day. Cars, coloring, kick ball, coffee ceremony, ditch school, Ivan destroying anything in his path.

We sat with them at lunch again, trying to capture every moment either on video or picture. At naptime, none of us wanted to let go. I know that our absence will be explained, as they receive weekly counseling on the process. Still, they’re children. Avery’s been begging to go pick them up “after her nap” since October when we first showed her their pictures. We will miss them desperately and think of them constantly but know all of this is in God’s hands. Just remind me of that when I start complaining.

Ethiopia: Day 5…One God

Somehow…it’s a long story…we got connected with an awesome interpreter here named Bisrat. He grew up in a monastery, his mom a nun and his dad a monk. Earning no income from this, they had to beg for anything more than their one meal per day. After Jesus saved him, he began sharing the Gospel with the people there (who by the way believe that the line to God is through angels and saints, not Jesus). So, he was thrown in jail for 3 days and, when released, literally strapped to the top of a vehicle (because if he rode inside it the van would be cursed) and dropped off in the capital city. Knowing no one, he went to a leper colony to look for food and live because he had been told it was the cheapest place. Seriously, a leper colony. (He took 2 girls from our guest house there, and one of them gave out tootsie pops.) Anyway, he started a Bible study, which grew to a church, and he served as their pastor for 7 years. Now, while he is praying and studying to plant a local church, he lives in town and works as an interpreter for whities like us, forengies, as we are called. I have no clue how to spell that. And, we affectionately call him Bizzy.

When we asked Bizzy to take us to a church on Sunday, he began telling us about the church he had in mind. What he called a traditional American-style church. Right. Like any of us would want that even in America. We’re in Ethiopia! We want to see how Ethiopians do it! So, he agreed to take us to his church.

Keith said his first impression was how amazing it is that we all serve one God through Jesus. I think it’s amazing that we were able to join them in worship having no clue what anyone was saying. The service was of course in Amharic. But after an hour or so of singing, an usher handed out headsets so we could listen to the interpreter as she paraphrased the sermon the best she could.

After the service, people lined up at a little tin shack to purchase CDs of previous weeks’ worship or sermon. No podcasts.

Accompanied by Bizzy, our group (excluding me of course) wanted to dine at an authentic Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. One where they sing and dance and parade around in different costumes and body paint. It was quite the show, but the dish that sounded the safest turned out to be what looked like a bowl of canned chili with a fatty chicken leg and boiled egg tucked inside. Yep. The chicken and the egg. Inside the bowl of chili. When I questioned the waitress, who I’m sure had no clue what I was saying, she had to dig into the bowl of chili to ensure me that I did in fact receive both the chicken and the egg that the menu promised. And, although there were plenty of forengies, we were quite the spectacle.

In the end, she brought our table one very small upside-down hat full of popcorn, which selfishly I kept all to myself.